Pizza again.

A month and a half ago I compulsively quit my pizza job. They’d left me alone in the kitchen with a massive prep list with still keeping up service. I just had had enough and I put in my two weeks. I was very central to that kitchen and I was refused a raise.

I went looking for a job outside of the kitchen realm to no avail. I looked for a month and had to just fall back into the kitchen grind. I ended up moving out of my boyfriends house back with family until I could make enough to come back.

I’ve basically been put into this position where my boyfriend and I miss each other a lot and I feel a time crunch to get a better paying job to reunite with him.

Obviously this is such a stress on me. I’m out of my mind nearly every hour of the day trying to weigh this path against another. Which will get me enough money to live with rifaah again, will such a job kill my soul, what so I even want to do, what’s the viability of jobs I might actually like, should I get more education.. over and over. I’m chasing threads of possibilities and it’s crushing me.

Today I just couldn’t hide my anxiety and after a morning of dealing with me, rifaah posited that maybe he’s putting too much pressure on me that that maybe I need to be single for awhile to figure it out. This added another rock to my pile.

At times I love him and most others more than myself. I have shoved my own wants and passions away because they’re too painful to deal with. They all seem so out of reach. I lack energy to persue.

I just want this to end. I’m so tired. I’m so sad. I’m so stressed every hour of my day.

I’m tines past this place was where I could sit what was bothering me. I think I need a space like that again.

I can’t even find a corner to begin on. It all seems to me meshed together. I’m wearing a printed cut off tee of the death card, the symbol of my sign, and the symbol of transformative change.

All through my life I’ve felt like something is just stuck in my soul that cannot handle change. I think about certain aspects of my life changing and I can feel my literal stomach clench in uneasiness. I needed to shave for years. years. before I finally got the courage up to do so.

My partner, whom I have fallen in love with, can’t imagine my life without, was going through steady point in life when we met. Over the years I’ve come to understand aspects of him, and I understand that one of those aspects is utter and open ambivalence to change, and it is through this that he has fearlessly and with light heart has conquered many dimensions of his life.

How can I even balance this? He’s getting interviewed by huge tech companies in expensive places. I make pizza. I only have food experience. I have debts. I can’t drive. Why does he even want me? I feel like I have so little to offer him and it makes me feel physically ill.

I love him, but right now, fear of change clouds my vision of love. Three weeks was so long to be away from him, and so many things happened with him while he was away. There’s so many new patterns to accustom to, ones that make me so uncomfortable my soul crawls even though they are no big deal really.

I haven’t changed in many ways. I feel like the same sad, anxious trash person, afraid of change, knowing it’s happening. Wishing for..l..I couldn’t even say ..I just don’t even know.

First of all I’m peeling everywhere from my sunburn.

As a pizza cook, I’m constantly covered in flour and sweat from 500 degree ovens. I can’t tell what’s my skin and what’s flour.

I have sauce in my hair, 20 hour old bacon grease on my stomach, underwear and pants from a ripped trash bag.

I’ve been waiting for buses for an hour.

How’d I get here even.

My Alexander tech teacher said that I’ve made a lot of progress in the last couple months and I’m proud of that. I’ve learned so much about the body.

I’ve figured out how to move my lymphatic system, pressure points in the wrist to support the shoulder, relaxing deep muscles that connect front to back in my legs and stomach.

But I think the thing I treasure most from these experiences is learning to be kinder to myself and too just accept where I’m at in my body. It’s never going to be perfect.